Going to be serious in this entry so you have been warned.
Spring is often a difficult time for me. There is something about the warm weather as we escape the clutches of winter. Maybe it is the wearing of less clothes that makes me feel sexier or maybe it is how I react to spring fever but I get so insatiably horny that I often trip up healthy behavior and go into my sexual compulsion area which is bad.
Nymphomania, sex addict, hypersexuality and sexual compulsion and who knows maybe other terms are thrown out to describe what a person like me has. Unfortunately over the years between titillation, ignorance and cheap excuse making this problem has often been portrayed as cute or that it is pure fiction. Heck I like to be quick to sum up my healthy sexual appetite as being a nympho because people can get it.
I want to address both sides quickly.
The people who go that there is no such thing as a sex addict are either incredibly stupid or being incredibly too narrow in what they are trying to state. That is because they point to the fact that sexual addiction is not a biological addiction like drugs and alcohol can be. Where trying to stop is physically painful with real physical reactions to withdrawal. But what they ignorantly do not know or just leave out of convenience is sexual addiction may not have the biological and physical characteristics it very much mirrors the destructive behavior that those do and it takes far more then just do not do those stupid things to deal.
Those people who take light of people that have this. Look as I wrote before slang for be always horny in a perfectly healthy way is cool with me and I use it myself. But often people who do know people like me where they can see the destructive behavior still do not treat us similar to other addicts. In fact more prone to use that knowledge to score with us, basically “hey Crystal had a rough day she will fuck anything tonight.”
The difference between a healthy high sex drive and hypersexuality
A person with a healthy sex drive even if that is fucking near non stop is simply a person who is basically having sex just to enjoy sex and does not let that impact other parts of their life. A person with sexual compulsions will have sex for many reasons, almost always sub-consciously and it negatively impacts multiple areas of their life.
For example, two women blowing guys in the back alley of a bar one night, both are married but their husbands do not know and would despise it but they do it anyway. Now both are impacting their marriage in a negative way but that would not make both have a problem. If one girl is only putting her marriage on the line then she is not suffering from hypersexuality. But the other woman at that same time she is blowing the stranger is suppose to be on the other side of town feeding her children dinner, missing work to the point of losing her job and things like that she could very well have a problem.
For example after a sexual escapade a woman basked in the glow of it and thought back pleasantly with thoughts of if and when I do something like that again probably did not do it out of compulsion. But if the woman beat herself up and knew she would after and still knows that she will not only do it again but will need to do it again very soon that person could very well be sick.
Origins of hypersexuality
Most studies trace hypersexuality back to one or a combination of abuse, neglect or abandonment in childhood. Probably exceptions and not all who suffered these things become hypersexual. Foster children like me are prone to have it because quite simply there is a reason why we are no longer with our parents and the system breeds these situations that most foster kids have to endure some combination of these things.
Compulsive behavior comes out of some behavior that somehow goes astray. Children to survive the things mentioned before develop survival skills, coping mechanisms and self defense behaviors. As a child though they do not know what they are or how to not do them when a threat has disappeared so behaviors get mashed and exaggerated until a compulsion comes out of it. So for example a very common compulsion for a foster kid to have and one I have is a tendency to horde food. What starts out in many of us not knowing when we will get fed again defense mechanism turns into an irrational compulsion.
Why is sex such a big one then?
I will use me as an example.
Grew up having nothing bouncing around from foster placement to foster placement and in and out of group homes which means you learn that any day anything you become attached to in some way can go poof. Forget school choir why practice the songs and never get to perform them. Forget sports as your new home might not allow it or a coach thinking you will just go poof takes no stock in you. Forget friends you learn not to get close to people because you will disappear.
One thing any adult who grew up in multiple foster homes will tell you is they felt like an object. The object was wanted in that home for the monthly check, free maid, babysitter, sex toy, stress/hate outlet punching bag, substitute daughter who grew up and left and other things but none based on the child Crystal. Then puberty hits and I discover that sexual acts can be quite enjoyable and an orgasm is incredible and a high that cannot compare to anything else and coming from where I am that is a huge difference.
Sex is free and does not cost money I do not have. Sex is a great escape as it is intense enough to forget my life when in the middle of doing it. Sex is something that I can offer to someone to make me have some value other then just another object. That other girl does not put out or let you fuck her in the ass or give her a cum facial but I will. Oh and I can get things through sex all the better.
So sex becomes this all fix it consuming thing but I am still a trouble immature teenager so it starts off as a survival/coping things and turns into a compulsion. In some ways how could it not. Want fun in my life, sex. Want to be desired, sex. Want to get something and nothing else to offer, sex. Want to feel something other then something negative, sex. It becomes quite easy for sex to get screwed up in the mind.
Myths of sexual compulsion
1) The sex is not enjoyable. This myth comes out of all the people trying to use the sex addict things as a defense telling their spouses this. Can the sex suck, sure, but the actual sex feels often like a healthy person that has sex and that the enjoyment factor will have a spectrum based on many factors. But it is extremely empty feeling and often the chase to score and the after it is over can be quite empty and troubling.
So someone who is healthy gets laid they might enjoy the pursuit, the act, and bask in the glow of a great time maybe days afterwards. A sex addict might only find enjoyment in the act itself and afterwards sucks. In this way it does mirror actual substance addictions. Obsession and selfish behavior to score and hating oneself and feeling like crap afterwards by it being so temporary is the norm.
But know the sex can be very pleasurable. Think of it this way, the night partying and getting drunk was a blast but the next day really sucks. One might state and believe getting drunk sucks but the truth is the drunken part was far from sucking to that person.
2) To cure a sex addict means 12 step program or other ways to minimalize sex. For many a twelve step program works and more power to them but where people like to be dismissive to this being a biological addiction then one must also be ok with not needing some cold turkey thing. Most people I know that suffer from hypersexuality the process is simply recognizing the feelings and behaviors that trigger it and learning to divert and cope until it passes. So for example I get into a dark mood which will ignite it now I know I am in a dark mood and know my thoughts and desires are something I should not act upon. But none of this actually has to do with the actual sex drive in a person who suffers from this.
3) It is not about amount of sex. A person having sex ten hours a day could be totally healthy if they need little sleep, do not need a job and have no other commitments for example. A person just having sex once a week for an hour though could be seriously in trouble. Because the rest of the time the person might be behind their computer searching for their next time or stoking the next time up by spending all of their time with pornography in lieu of working, spending time with their family and things of that nature.
The next time you know or hear someone using the sex addict reason for why they had an affair it is possible it is a bull shit excuse. But it is also possible it is true. The next time a significant other thinks you have a problem it maybe they just have a significant lower sex drive then you and it sucks or maybe you might want to step back and look at your life just to make sure.
I am a sex addict who just happens to have to work on managing it while still having a very high sex drive that I very much try to satisfy. They do not have to contradict each other.
1 year ago